Invisible

For days I've been quiet.  There's little to say.  For months I've been in pain but you seem to not notice.  You ask why I'm quiet.  I say no reason and you go on your way.
The answer is deep, much deeper than you may want to go.  I feel like there's no value in me.  I feel like I've been crossed off of some checklist, not needed as some would say.  I feel like I've been conquered so no place else to go.
Why do I feel not valued?  I feel like there's no me.  I feel like it's all senseless, all that I have to say.  What do you need my opinion for?  It's stupid you believe.  What sense would it make when it's so different from yours?  No meeting of the minds in the middle as everyone tries to make me conform to what they want me to be.  I sway here and there until I can't be seen.  There's no more me.  I'm just a person pushed around to whomever it may be.  I feel like there's no need for me.
I've been crossed off the list.  That's accomplished.  Now on to the next task as she tries to keep up.  But not needed, where will she be?  If I were to disappear in a crowd or die today, would you miss me?  Or would life just go on with the next mountain to scale?  Would you remember the good times or only the bad?  Would you wish to see me?  Or the vapor of me, would be forgotten tomorrow as you push forward with your plans?
The pain is physical.  My whole body hurts.  The headaches come and go with the stress of making it through the day.  The soles of my feet hurt as I walk in the night.  My hips feel out of line.  My back is barely straight.  Do you notice?  Do you care?  Or do you just walk right by with the next thing on your agenda?  Is it too much to bear?
The pain is emotional.  Am I too ugly and fat?  Is there any importance to me or no time for that?  The scars on the inside seem too big to hide.  But hide they must so that I can move forward.  Once in a while there's a glimpse of that scar.  Do you see the beauty in what has been learned so far?  Or does it just disgust you and make you want to turn away?  They impact the future because they make up me.  No place to hide from the giants inside.
The pain is spiritual as God seems so far away.  The One who walked beside me yesterday seems to have hidden away.  I know He is there, but where to start from afresh.  Will He have forgotten me?  The burden is heavy.  I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Won't You help me to lift it off me?  I can hardly look up to You.  Won't You please help me?

2015 Trip To The U.S.

So, after not being in the U.S. for 7 years, I finally decided it was time to go........  There's so much to say about the trip that I really don't know where to start.  I wish I would have blogged while there, so many different things that we did, so many different feelings felt, etc. that's it's hard to put it all into words now.  So many months have gone by and it would be just a really long post.
So, I'll stick to the highlights.  We stayed with some really amazing people.  We were first in Illinois for the first half of our trip and stayed with a wonderful family.  The girls decorated their first Easter eggs and had their first Easter egg hunt.  We visited ICM (a shelter helping formerly homeless people get back on their feet) and drove past the arch in St. Louis several times.  We went to the Children's Museum in St. Louis (my kids had a blast their).  The highlight for me was hanging out with great friends and getting to speak the language of sarcasm.
Then it was on to Oklahoma.  Again, amazing people.  We got to attend Nomads (which I think I wrote about at the very beginning of this blog), did some shopping, and had visitors from Arkansas come up to spend time with us.
All around the trip was great.  We didn't do much fundraising but there was a lot of rest and refreshing (which was needed way more than I realized).
I took only about 3 pictures the entire trip so here are a few that I "stole" from FB.

Now On To 2015

OK, I'll be honest......  2015 has just been a hard year.  A hard year for so many reasons.  But, at the same time a growing year, a year that I've really felt God's presence, a year that although it's been difficult, it's also been good.
I think the hard makes it hard to blog.  But, maybe it's more of a reason to blog.....a way to process feelings, perhaps?  I'm so determined to blog regularly, even if it's just posting a picture, a random thought, or a funny story of the kids.
I wish over the last several years that I would have blogged more, especially for the memories.  I feel like there's so much that I want to remember but am afraid that at some point it just won't be in the forefront of my mind any more.  There's so much I want to remember of the kids.  A lot of thoughts that I wish that I'd shared.
Hopefully, I can do better.
Anyway, I can't really go back and share all the feelings and stories of 2015 (or the last several years), but here are a few of the highlights of 2015:
- being pregnant with baby #3- this was my easiest pregnancy
- birth of baby #3 (that should get its own blog post)
- a trip to the U.S. after 7 years away (that also should get its own post)
- Jurnee and Joelee leaving day care and starting to homeschool
- Jackie joining swim team
- feeling closer to God
- feeling like I've grown spiritually
And some of the ways I feel like I've grown this year:
- learning to not speak so quickly when I'm angry
- learning to pray for/in a situation
- learning to find joy in the little things
- learning to make the most of each moment (still working on this one)
- being content
- learning that I love to bake (and cook in general) and love when people enjoy eating what I've       cooked/baked
And some of the things that are a struggle:
- feelings of homesickness
- feeling inadequate
- feeling invisible or insignificant
- feeling like I'm not a good mom
- fearful of dying before my kids are grown up
- feeling like I'm not managing my time well (or that I just don't have enough time)
- forgiveness
So, now the good, bad, and ugly are out there.  Now you know how to pray for me!

Christmas Tree and Christmas 2014

We've tried to create a tradition of decorating the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving (even though Thanksgiving isn't celebrated here in Uganda).  It's always fun!  We look forward to it with excitement.  This Christmas season we had an extra child in the house, one of the students at school who was in her long vacation from primary school waiting to join high school.  It was fun to have her with us too!

And of course the kids look forward to Christmas morning with much anticipation.  Christmas has become one of my favorite holidays.  I love watching the kids open their gifts, seeing their excitement, and then tearing into the toys.
This year (although I neglected to take photos) we also did an advent calendar.  We read a story each night leading up to the birth of Christ.  Each story had a color sheet to go with it, which was fun since my girls all like to color!

(not real sure ho Joelee got out of her Christmas church dress so fast???) 

Jackie Turns 10...... In Dec. Last Year!

Gosh, I'm so behind on blogging..... I really need to clone myself or something in order to get everything done!  Hopefully I can catch up and stay caught up........  But, with the recent addition of another baby, it's not likely!
Anyway, my lovely Jackie is growing.  She's such a miracle.  We're blessed she's a part of our family.  She's a wonderful big sister, caring daughter, fun loving, sports loving, I'll say it again miracle!
Here's a recap in pics of the six months before she turned 10:

We love you Jackie!