This has always been a challenge for me, but more especially since being a missionary. Ever since I can remember, I've always worked multiple jobs at the same time. I like the security of knowing that my next meal is provided for, rent will be paid when it is due, and other basic necessities are available when I need them.
It's a little different when relying on support. It's out of my control. Some months are wonderful and excess support coming in, making it possible to save for the next month. Other months are very tight. So tight that fear can begin to creep in.
The last few months have been those months. And to ask for support, help, assistance, to me feels like begging. I hate doing it. I haven't really made it a priority. It's not been hard for me to raise money for the school. Not that all the school needs are met. But, somehow, I don't feel as guilty asking for sponsorship for a child, money for rent to keep the school going, etc. For myself, I just haven't been able to do it.
When I was here in 2004-2007, the cost of living wasn't so high and I was single, having only my own needs to meet.
When I came back in 2008, I was still along and although prices had risen a bit, they weren't too bad. I had enough support to be fairly comfortable. Not extravagant, but comfortable. Now, four years later, a lot has changed.
Prices are much higher. Gas prices can go as high as $7.50/gallon at times. This makes the prices of everything rise. Rent has increased. The house I lived in in 2005 was a three bedroom house (shared by myself and two housemates) and rent was only around $200/month. That same house now rents for over $600/month. Food prices have increased.
And now we are a family of five (soon to be six)! The cost of meeting our needs has grown. Unfortunately, the support we receive has not grown. I'm receiving pretty much the same amount of support in 2012 as in 2008. The same supporters. This is largely due to my lack of wanting to "beg" for new supporters or increases in support.
But, it has brought fear. The last couple of months have been tight. I know that I'm supposed to trust and lean on God for His provision. He brought me here for a reason. He won't let me starve or have me homeless. But, it's hard to trust. I tend to be more of a worrier. I don't want to wait. I don't like seeing my children go without. I know it's a lesson for them to trust God as well, but it's still hard.
I worry about how we'll pay our next six months rent when it is next due. I worry about if we will have enough to eat (real fear to a 30 week pregnant woman)! I worry if we'll have enough money saved by the time the baby gets here to pay for the doctor and the hospital.
So, if you are reading this, will you pray with me that I will trust God for His provision. Pray that I will be bold enough to speak to people about our need for support. But, mostly, pray that I won't worry and that I'll be free from fear!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Running
I miss running- OK, I miss outdoor exercise of a lot of kinds at the moment. There aren't a ton of opportunities to participate in sports here or groups that train together. On the way to church this morning we saw an ongoing race.
Very different from any road race I've watched or participated in before. All the ones I've seen or participated in were well marked off, lined with people cheering you on and water tables. Also, road traffic would be halted or diverted during the race. Not here. The racers just ran alongside the cars, motorcycles, and taxis flying past them!
Seeing the runners really made me miss it! I miss the Saturday long runs with friends frequently followed by long swims to cool down. I miss being able to run in parks and on trails. I miss the scenery. I miss the conversations (of course we were solving all the world's problems) while on these Saturday long runs.
I miss late night springs on the track. I miss roller blading. I miss hiking and biking. But, mostly I miss running!
I loved running...... Our Saturday runs were usually more jogs so that we could talk along the way. But, sometimes they'd last 2-3 hours! It was a time of clearing my head. Time to de-stress. Time to build friendships.
I miss the road trips. I miss being a part of a team. I miss the long bus rides singing at the top of our voices until we fell asleep. I miss the team meals.
I wish I could find someone that lived nearby that I could run with here. Someone that wasn't taking it too seriously. Someone that is running just for the fun of it. Someone that is concerned more with the process than the result. But, mostly I wish there were places to run here. A park, a paved road, no potholes, no dodging traffic or inhaling the gas fumes!
Very different from any road race I've watched or participated in before. All the ones I've seen or participated in were well marked off, lined with people cheering you on and water tables. Also, road traffic would be halted or diverted during the race. Not here. The racers just ran alongside the cars, motorcycles, and taxis flying past them!
Seeing the runners really made me miss it! I miss the Saturday long runs with friends frequently followed by long swims to cool down. I miss being able to run in parks and on trails. I miss the scenery. I miss the conversations (of course we were solving all the world's problems) while on these Saturday long runs.
I miss late night springs on the track. I miss roller blading. I miss hiking and biking. But, mostly I miss running!
I loved running...... Our Saturday runs were usually more jogs so that we could talk along the way. But, sometimes they'd last 2-3 hours! It was a time of clearing my head. Time to de-stress. Time to build friendships.
I miss the road trips. I miss being a part of a team. I miss the long bus rides singing at the top of our voices until we fell asleep. I miss the team meals.
I wish I could find someone that lived nearby that I could run with here. Someone that wasn't taking it too seriously. Someone that is running just for the fun of it. Someone that is concerned more with the process than the result. But, mostly I wish there were places to run here. A park, a paved road, no potholes, no dodging traffic or inhaling the gas fumes!
Friday, September 7, 2012
When Helping Hurts
I read the book When Helping Hurts a couple of years ago (can't remember the author) and would highly recommend you reading it if you are considering either long or short term missions.
Most missionaries don't go to a foreign country with the intention of hurting. We want to help. We want to bring relief. We want to share. We want to give. Want people to know and feel the love of Jesus. Often times though, I think we go about it in a way that brings more hurt than help. Many times it leaves the missionary feeling taken advantage of and those that we are helping aren't growing, but instead becoming dependent. I know that has been the case for me. I LOVE GIVING! But, I have also felt taken advantage of. It's made me bitter at times.
Sometimes giving out money or free things is just not the answer. Yes, there is a time to give out things freely or to pay for something for a family. Not wanting to build dependency is the reason why Vision of Destiny has focused on education. We provide education but expect the parents/guardians to pay their rent, clothe their children, provide meals at home, however meager these things might be. Yes, we step in sometimes on emergency issues like medical care, etc. However, we stay away from things like paying rent or giving food.
The reason we don't pay rent or give food to families has been based on experience. Sort of like that saying, "If you give a man a fish you've fed him for a day, but if you teach him how to fish, you've fed him for a lifetime." From personal experience I've found that by paying rent for a family (or such things) that I've really not helped. As soon as that month's rent is over, the family needs the next month's rent! I've found the better thing for me to do is to help that family look for ways of paying their own rent. That has looked different for different families. For some it has been telling them where I know there might be a job available (meaning they would be earning regular income and could continue paying their own rent). For others it has been helping them to build an already existing small business.
(We had a small micro-finance group running for a while that was beneficial to those involved in it. I wish we could continue to run it but it needs another full time missionary here to run it. David and I are just stretched to thin and can't maintain everything. So, although that's another post all by itself, that is a prayer request- that God would send us people that could help run other projects!)
Back to the point of this post........ I've really just learned that by handing out money for every need, I'm not helping. I was left feeling taken advantage of, which bring bitterness, which eventually hardens a person's heart. It's not been easy to say no. I feel bad. I want to give it. But, I have to look at the bigger picture. Do I want my hands feeding this person for a lifetime or do I want them to use their own hands to feed themselves for a lifetime? Of course, I'm meaning using their own hands while leaning on God for direction and provision.
This has been a real issue at the school. A lot of people feel that because their child is being sponsored that they should receive everything for free. Sponsorship ($35/month) doesn't cover all of a child's needs. It just can't. Prices have risen here to a point where that sponsorship barely feeds the child breakfast and lunch at school for the month. We've not been able to stretch it to cover supplies and other needs the school has. God has been faithful and has each month provided other large one time donations that have helped us to keep things going.
This term though things look a little tight, tighter than normal. Impossibly tight. Stressfully tight. So tight I question whether we are going to be able to make it to the end of the term. It's going to be a huge test in my faith.
I love working with the parents and guardians who want to walk next to me and fight with me to see that things continue working out (and they've come up with some really creative ways to pitch in and help). They are a joy to serve. They share in carrying the burden. That is probably 95% of the parents/guardians we work with. They want to feed themselves for a lifetime. They know that by their child having education there is a chance for a better future!
Now the question remains, how do we help without hurting the other 5%? How do we teach them to fish for themselves? How do we keep them from becoming dependent? How do we teach them to fight for their own children?
Most missionaries don't go to a foreign country with the intention of hurting. We want to help. We want to bring relief. We want to share. We want to give. Want people to know and feel the love of Jesus. Often times though, I think we go about it in a way that brings more hurt than help. Many times it leaves the missionary feeling taken advantage of and those that we are helping aren't growing, but instead becoming dependent. I know that has been the case for me. I LOVE GIVING! But, I have also felt taken advantage of. It's made me bitter at times.
Sometimes giving out money or free things is just not the answer. Yes, there is a time to give out things freely or to pay for something for a family. Not wanting to build dependency is the reason why Vision of Destiny has focused on education. We provide education but expect the parents/guardians to pay their rent, clothe their children, provide meals at home, however meager these things might be. Yes, we step in sometimes on emergency issues like medical care, etc. However, we stay away from things like paying rent or giving food.
The reason we don't pay rent or give food to families has been based on experience. Sort of like that saying, "If you give a man a fish you've fed him for a day, but if you teach him how to fish, you've fed him for a lifetime." From personal experience I've found that by paying rent for a family (or such things) that I've really not helped. As soon as that month's rent is over, the family needs the next month's rent! I've found the better thing for me to do is to help that family look for ways of paying their own rent. That has looked different for different families. For some it has been telling them where I know there might be a job available (meaning they would be earning regular income and could continue paying their own rent). For others it has been helping them to build an already existing small business.
(We had a small micro-finance group running for a while that was beneficial to those involved in it. I wish we could continue to run it but it needs another full time missionary here to run it. David and I are just stretched to thin and can't maintain everything. So, although that's another post all by itself, that is a prayer request- that God would send us people that could help run other projects!)
Back to the point of this post........ I've really just learned that by handing out money for every need, I'm not helping. I was left feeling taken advantage of, which bring bitterness, which eventually hardens a person's heart. It's not been easy to say no. I feel bad. I want to give it. But, I have to look at the bigger picture. Do I want my hands feeding this person for a lifetime or do I want them to use their own hands to feed themselves for a lifetime? Of course, I'm meaning using their own hands while leaning on God for direction and provision.
This has been a real issue at the school. A lot of people feel that because their child is being sponsored that they should receive everything for free. Sponsorship ($35/month) doesn't cover all of a child's needs. It just can't. Prices have risen here to a point where that sponsorship barely feeds the child breakfast and lunch at school for the month. We've not been able to stretch it to cover supplies and other needs the school has. God has been faithful and has each month provided other large one time donations that have helped us to keep things going.
This term though things look a little tight, tighter than normal. Impossibly tight. Stressfully tight. So tight I question whether we are going to be able to make it to the end of the term. It's going to be a huge test in my faith.
I love working with the parents and guardians who want to walk next to me and fight with me to see that things continue working out (and they've come up with some really creative ways to pitch in and help). They are a joy to serve. They share in carrying the burden. That is probably 95% of the parents/guardians we work with. They want to feed themselves for a lifetime. They know that by their child having education there is a chance for a better future!
Now the question remains, how do we help without hurting the other 5%? How do we teach them to fish for themselves? How do we keep them from becoming dependent? How do we teach them to fight for their own children?
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Homesick
This may not be an exact quote but I'm sure many of you have heard it a time or two so will know exactly what I'm referring to!
I've heard that as long as we are here on earth we'll always feel homesick. It's the longing for our home in heaven and not feeling complete until we get there. It's not those exact words but I think you get the point.
I've been so homesick lately! It's so odd for me as I've always felt so comfortable here. I know that even if I went back to the U.S. I'd be longing for Uganda. Guess it's that thing of never really being satisfied. But, according to the "quote" above, I'll never really feel at home, not until I reach my final destination in heaven.
Why am I homesick? I really have no idea. I know the things I miss, the things that I wish were available at my fingertips here. Walks in the park, drinking a coffee while reading a book at Starbucks, movie nights out with friends, eating out with friends, hanging out with friends at home, Bible studies, my home church, praise and worship, real friendships (that's another post all by itself), climbing Pinnacle Mountain, road trips, paved roads, electricity and water all the time, etc., etc., etc.
But, I try to remind myself I've what I've gained in being here. A wonderful husband, three adorable and loveable kids, being more reliable on God than ever before, He's my best friend, swimming with my kids, nights out with the family, the kids at school, the people I'd never have met if I wouldn't have been willing to come here, all the things that I've learned in my time here, praise and worship in another language, baking with Jackie, teaching Yosam, all the laughs I hear from Jurnee, late night conversations with David, date nights...... the list is long!
So, I try to remember I'm where God wants me to be, walking in His plan for me, and that wherever I am that is in His will I am home. Ultimately "home is where the heart is." And my heart is here! I just have to remember that and cherish the memories I have from the years before Uganda, continue to keep those long distance relationships going, and love with all I have those that are around me now!
I've heard that as long as we are here on earth we'll always feel homesick. It's the longing for our home in heaven and not feeling complete until we get there. It's not those exact words but I think you get the point.
I've been so homesick lately! It's so odd for me as I've always felt so comfortable here. I know that even if I went back to the U.S. I'd be longing for Uganda. Guess it's that thing of never really being satisfied. But, according to the "quote" above, I'll never really feel at home, not until I reach my final destination in heaven.
Why am I homesick? I really have no idea. I know the things I miss, the things that I wish were available at my fingertips here. Walks in the park, drinking a coffee while reading a book at Starbucks, movie nights out with friends, eating out with friends, hanging out with friends at home, Bible studies, my home church, praise and worship, real friendships (that's another post all by itself), climbing Pinnacle Mountain, road trips, paved roads, electricity and water all the time, etc., etc., etc.
But, I try to remind myself I've what I've gained in being here. A wonderful husband, three adorable and loveable kids, being more reliable on God than ever before, He's my best friend, swimming with my kids, nights out with the family, the kids at school, the people I'd never have met if I wouldn't have been willing to come here, all the things that I've learned in my time here, praise and worship in another language, baking with Jackie, teaching Yosam, all the laughs I hear from Jurnee, late night conversations with David, date nights...... the list is long!
So, I try to remember I'm where God wants me to be, walking in His plan for me, and that wherever I am that is in His will I am home. Ultimately "home is where the heart is." And my heart is here! I just have to remember that and cherish the memories I have from the years before Uganda, continue to keep those long distance relationships going, and love with all I have those that are around me now!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Disappearance
It seems I've disappeared from this blog........ When I first started it, I was pretty good about posting fairly regularly. Over the last couple of years, it seems the rate of posting has been on the decline. Why?
At times I just don't have much to say. Not that there isn't anything to talk about or new stories to tell. I just get into a funk and don't want to share. Sometimes my heart feels shattered. Sometimes I'm torn between being open and keeping myself closed. Sometimes I think that what I want to say is too boring or I can't say it eloquently enough. Other times I'm frustrated.
One of the things that has pushed me to blog less is that when I started this blog it wasn't so much about ministry. It was a way to keep up with friends who are now scattered all over the world. We figured instead of emailing each person individually, at least we could have the highlights of our lives posted on our blogs for all to read. It would be a way to keep up to date with each others' lives- who had gotten married, who had a baby, adopted a baby, deaths, frustrations, joys, tears, etc.
Somehow though, I think I've gotten so caught up in Vision of Destiny and talking about Vision of Destiny on this blog that it's lost its meaning to me. There's been so much that has gone on in my life over the last couple of years that's never been shared. Jackie and Yosam are growing up...... Jurnee is almost a year old and I've hardly shared her life here at all...... Funny stories of day to day life........ Thoughts that have been thought...... Prayers that have been prayed....... So much that hasn't been shared.
I'm hoping that as I try to start back blogging, I'll find it fun again. I'm hoping that you guys will get to see more and more glimpses into my heart and life. More pictures! Hopefully I'll just get back into the habit of blogging again!
At times I just don't have much to say. Not that there isn't anything to talk about or new stories to tell. I just get into a funk and don't want to share. Sometimes my heart feels shattered. Sometimes I'm torn between being open and keeping myself closed. Sometimes I think that what I want to say is too boring or I can't say it eloquently enough. Other times I'm frustrated.
One of the things that has pushed me to blog less is that when I started this blog it wasn't so much about ministry. It was a way to keep up with friends who are now scattered all over the world. We figured instead of emailing each person individually, at least we could have the highlights of our lives posted on our blogs for all to read. It would be a way to keep up to date with each others' lives- who had gotten married, who had a baby, adopted a baby, deaths, frustrations, joys, tears, etc.
Somehow though, I think I've gotten so caught up in Vision of Destiny and talking about Vision of Destiny on this blog that it's lost its meaning to me. There's been so much that has gone on in my life over the last couple of years that's never been shared. Jackie and Yosam are growing up...... Jurnee is almost a year old and I've hardly shared her life here at all...... Funny stories of day to day life........ Thoughts that have been thought...... Prayers that have been prayed....... So much that hasn't been shared.
I'm hoping that as I try to start back blogging, I'll find it fun again. I'm hoping that you guys will get to see more and more glimpses into my heart and life. More pictures! Hopefully I'll just get back into the habit of blogging again!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Still I Rise
Sometimes life gets hard. Things don't seem fair. I wonder why. I wish for a way out. I want to run away. I want to quit. But, I think back over other hard times and remember that I've always made it through. First, with God's help (even when I didn't know it was Him helping me). And with the help of so many people that He has placed in my life along the way.
This poem has often been a motivator for me. Many hurdles have been thrown in my path, but I've always risen above them. And I know that whatever is thrown in my way, I will continue to rise!
This poem has often been a motivator for me. Many hurdles have been thrown in my path, but I've always risen above them. And I know that whatever is thrown in my way, I will continue to rise!
Still I Rise
by Maya Angelou
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
An Intruder in the Night
We've been praying over the last few months about moving from our current house........ Here's another reason why added to our list:
Most of the locks on our windows were broken. That meant that most of the windows in the house couldn't be locked. We have left it since the landlord wasn't fixing them thinking that since we have burglar proofing on the windows it would be fine. Also, most of the doors inside had no locks- our bedroom door had a broken latch so couldn't even be closed.
Last Thursday night, a thief climbed over our perimeter wall. He then went to the kitchen window and used the long handle of a shovel to push the bolts off the kitchen door. This gave him full access to our house. We found his footprints in almost every room.
Jurnee has been sleeping through the night for several months. For some reason, on Thursday night, Jurnee decided to wake up at 3 to play. While she was playing, David and I were quietly talking. We heard the door to our room creak a bit. We just assumed it was the wind. David got up and decided to open our bedroom door. He found a masked man standing there peering into the room. David then chased him from the house.
This was probably the most frightening thing that has happened to me in Uganda. It's left fear in all of our hearts. Needless to say, we feel it's definitely time to move from this house. We've begun raising support for our move...... Landlords here in Uganda require tenants to pay at least six months in rent up front.
Pray for us as we are searching for a new home:
- that we'll find the right place- we're leaning towards an apartment
- that enough funds will come in to be able to move
- enough monthly support to be able to continue paying the rent after the initial six months
- peace and sleep for the remaining days that we are here.
Thank God with us for:
- watching over us that night
- waking Jurnee up to play
- that no one was harmed and nothing was taken.
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