Learning to Love in the Middle of Chaos

It's been forever (or at least seems like forever) since my last post. I intended to have at least 10 posts each month this year but as you probably have noticed that hasn't exactly happened. It seems life gets in the way of my actually sitting down (or even getting to a computer for long enough) to write.
Anyway, update on the last few weeks: CANCER SUCKS.
A little less than two weeks after the biopsy was done, it was confirmed that Jackie did indeed have cancer, Kaposi Sarcoma, a form of cancer that frequently attacks HIV+ children. Immediately, we were referred from the AIDS clinic to the cancer institute (the only one in Uganda, by the way). That week was spent in the hospital daily from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. running tests to see how far the cancer had spread. Thankfully, not far. By that Friday it was determined that Jackie should remain on the ARVs which would also be fighting the cancer and begin chemotherapy the following Monday.
We enjoyed the weekend and I'm sure glad we did. The last two weeks have been a roller coaster ride of sleepless nights, a screaming child in pain, frequent hospital visits, and of course emotions running high. Not to mention, it's the holiday break and I've got several other children at home to manage.
Now the emotional side of things. Some days have definitely been easier than others.
I am slowly realizing how much I've learned from this young child. Most of you that know me know that I'm a person that keeps myself pretty emotionally distant from people. This, thankfully, was abolished when Jackie entered my life, at least for her case. It's impossible to have a child that is so young and dependent on me to keep myself distant. And, I think God just gave her that special gift to draw people to her.
My first reaction was to be angry at God. How could He put a child in my life if He was again going to take her away? How could He let her get sick? Why did He let her be infected in the first place? It just doesn't seem fair. An adult can choose to make foolish choices and become infected and then know that he has to live with the consequence. For those adults that become infected through an unfaithful spouse it also seems unfair. But, it just seem more unfair for a child. So, I spent the first couple of days questioning God.
Then, it went to realizing that God has a plan in everything. He had a reason for putting her in my life. And, I've begun to think it's more for me than it is for her. I can't make the AIDS go away. It's a wait and see game on the cancer. But, through it all, I'm learning a lot about myself and faith. I'm learning to trust God. I'm learning that I can let my heart freely love without holding back.
So, while the last two weeks have been hectic and I'm looking at at least 4 more, I can hold on to the fact that God knows what He's doing and He's still in control.